Sibling Jealousy: “If I Can Choose My Order…”

As an Asian that lives in Asian continent, there is a phenomenon called parental favoritism (“anak emas” in Indonesian), when your parents have a favorite child in their family. From this phenomenon, it will build the siblings’ jealousy

“I’m jealous of my lil sis because she is more appreciated than me. Yeah, she is not a failure kid like me. I have failure in the past and that failure has ruined my life because I failed being a big bro”

Siblings’ jealousy is a common thing when you have siblings in your family, whom you feel jealous of because your siblings were treated by your parents differently. This thing is common when you have a smaller age gap with your sibling.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I feel that. Sometimes, in my journey of life, there are some moments when I hope I’m the youngest child because my parents treat us differently.

Firstborn in family

I am the firstborn in my family, with a younger sister who was born 3 years later than me. I was taught by my parents that I must be someone who is strong in every situation and must be superior in academics (and career when I graduate soon), also I’m the “example” for my little sister.

If my little sister makes a mistake or failure, they blame me. That makes me exhausted and stressed. But, when I saw my little sister it was different. They do not give her the pressure as I got.

For me, I saw my parents more positively treat my little sister. Sibling jealousy – I feel ignored when I’m gathered in this house because my little sister is always being a center of attention everywhere.

Different people have different stories. I have asked some of my friends who were born as the last child. They said they are also sometimes feeling jealous of their older siblings that have “freedom” of decision making.

They are tired of being underestimated because they are the last child. Also, they feel like their family sees them as a little child (or worse, cry baby) even though they have grown up because their parents are overprotective to them. So, this gives us some different perspectives

We can’t choose our order
Some of us are trapped with this condition, maybe you will shout to the Lord like this.

“Why am I born in this position?”
“Why am I born as the first or last child?”

The fact is we can’t choose what order we are born into this world. It is also the same as we can’t choose what kind family we are born in, what race and ethnicity, and so on. All of that is God’s authority in our life and we don’t have authority over that.

Because this is God’s authority, it means God has plans for us. His plan is for good, there is a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29 : 11) and He has blessed us before we are born into this world (Jeremiah 1 : 5). That means, we are born with a purpose.

Beside we are born with a purpose, we are born in what order is also God’s purpose. He is known well about His creatures, including us His likeness creatures (Genesis 1 : 26).

Our parents are human, they are imperfect

Here is the thing, we need to know that our parents are still human. They might make some mistakes for us, their children. Also the way they treat us differently. Maybe they don’t know how to express their love to us so they treat us in the wrong way – sibling jealousy.

Maybe some of you got bad treatment from your parents. I know it’s so painful, but stay believing in God this thing is the way from God to deliver His Glory.

God placed us in one family with a purpose. The purpose for good and a hope. In this case, we are the purpose of blessing for our family as said in Jeremiah 29 : 7 (AMP).

Seek peace and well-being for the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its peace (well-being) you will have peace.’

After many bad things that you got, always remember they are imperfect. We can’t hope and want them to be “perfect” as we want, but we can forgive what they did to us. No family is perfect in this world.

Be Grateful in our Order – Sibling Jealousy

In the end, we realize wherever our order there is a positive side. For the first child, don’t always feel like you are a failed person if you did some failures in the past.

As the first child, some of you have been privileged to be the decision maker of your family and in some Indonesian tribes the first child has an important position and has special rights. You were born as the first because God knows you are stronger than your younger siblings in some situations. You must be grateful for that.

Also, for the last child, you get more “spoiled” from material or facilities than your elder siblings. Maybe some of your needs are more being fulfilled than your elder siblings. You get more knowledge by your elder siblings’ experience. Also, that things are not to be perceived by your elder siblings.

In the end, there are still many things to being grateful for our order as a child. Either you are the first child or the last child, both of them have advantages and disadvantages. Our duty is just, love each other as God’s mandatory of us as said in John 13 : 34.

I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too are to love one another. John 13:34 (AMP)

Sibling Jealousy: “If I Can Choose My Order…”

 

references:

Luo, R., Chen, F., Yuan, C., Ma, X., & Zhang, C. (2019). Parent–Child Discrepancies in Perceived Parental Favoritism: Associations with Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Problems in Chinese Families. Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

Rolan, E., & Marceau, K. (2018). Individual and Sibling Characteristics: Parental Differential Treatment and Adolescent Externalizing Behaviors. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47(12), 2535–2553